Bachelorette Haiku Cycle: Season 10 Episode 9

Last night, like all of America (?), I watched Season 10 Episode 9 of The Bachelorette wherein Andi takes three guys to “the Dominican” and sends one back home. While watching I scrolled through the live tweets of the show for the east coast broadcast. They ranged from mundane, to unnecessarily vicious, to utterly hilarious. Then, like the rest of America (?) I was unable to sleep and stayed up until midnight writing haiku about the show. Below are the series of haiku inspired by the show and/or live tweets. Spoillers are obviously below, hope you enjoy the idiocy. Andi, when you read this, don’t take it personally gurl, I hope you find love.

i.

Flying overhead,
Hopefully fake coral reefs,
Shaped like hearts (don’t touch).

– inspired by multiple tweets about how angry people were that Andi touched coral and also those hearts were fake

ii.

Nick your like scarves and,
Storybook drawn with like crayon,
Are so creepy (like).

– inspired by this amazing tweet and many others like it

iii.

A paper napkin,
Has more emotional sway,
Than that “I love you.”

– when Nick finally told Andi he loved her the greatest tweet ever was born

iv.

“I’ll talk your ear off.”
Time for the fantasy suite,
Not innuendo.

– Twitter felt like this was innuendo from Nick, I think he literally intended to talk until Andi’s ear detached from her body

v.

Alternate timeline:
Nick, gentleman scarf wearer,
Also murderer.

– there are between dozens and hundreds of tweets about how Nick is a murderer and also his scarves are stupid, here is one of presumably thousands, here is another

vi.

“The Dominican!”
She yells, mistaking it for
A really nice bar.

– by the time Josh’s date started Twitter could not contain its rage over Andi dropping the “Republic”

vii.

Man, I don’t know Josh,
Happiness that’s suspicious?
Andi backs away …

– on top of this Twitter did not approve of the grammar in this episode, here is a tweet that combines both critiques

viii.

The crew must be thrilled,
There’s so much uneaten food,
That or it’s plastic.

– the tweet-rage over no one ever seeming to eat on dates reached a crescendo during Josh’s dinner, here is one representative tweet

ix.

Future guy who wins:
Chris’ family was the best,
Andi thinks yours sucks.

– because she flat out told him that his family was the best one she had ever met, which let us know he was going home

x.

Alternate ending:
Parallel universes,
We all marry Chris.

– every woman on Twitter wants to marry Chris, because he’s amazing, just look at this tweet, also everyone wants him to be the next Bachelor, which I would totally watch

xi.

Wikipedia,
Changed to say that Andi is
From Fartmainia.

– inspired by this tweet that made me laugh so hard I almost choked to death on the ceremonial pizza I was eating (also it has already been corrected)

xii.

Andi does seem nice,
But it’s “you’re” so now I’m like,
“Stahahahahp!”

– I had so much respect for Andi being a smartsy lawyer until she tweeted this, also Twitter hates that she says “stop” so much, because hating people is fun, so I combined the critiques

Hope you liked these Bachelorette haiku (The Bachelorette haiku?), pop culture haiku is so fun I might need to write more of them. The finale is coming up …

Scary Nick from Bachelorette

“Like, like, like.” – Nick

Aaaaah! Never mind, maybe I won’t, I think Nick is about to murder me for these …

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